And Thus Nothing is Sacred
by Dellanotte
Summary: Once upon some time, there was a kingdom ruled by Queen Chizuru, who was in love with the fair maiden Orihime, who was straight. Unfortunately, hilarity would ensue in the worst ways possible...
1. Someday, My Prince Will Come

"Nothing is Sacred, Anymore!"

**Description**: Once upon some time, there was a kingdom ruled by Queen Chizuru, who was in love with the fair maiden Orihime, who was straight. Unfortunately, hilarity would ensue in the worst ways possible...

_**Warning**__: This fanfic crosses every sexual line that I could think of, without writing of the actual acts of lemon or lime. Please do not read if you would be offended; please do not flame; please do not come crying to me._

_After this, there is no way that I will __ever own any rights to _Bleach_, its poor defenseless characters, or any merchandising rights whatsoever._

Ch. I, "Someday, My Prince Will Come."

_**O**__nce upon some time_, in a very alternate universe from _Bleach_ by Tite Kubo, there was a kingdom ruled by Queen Chizuru. Now, Queen Chizuru was a lesbian, but as the only child, a daughter, of the previous king, she had to marry a man. And yet, she was in love with the fair maiden Inoue Orihime.

Queen Chizuru spent hours trying to figure out how to make her love "with" Orihime possible, and yet retain her throne. She had to balance her love with her goals of every woman's "free right to love," after all. Which in itself was not a bad thing, but Chizuru also hated men to the ends of the Earth, and because of some bad sauerkraut she had eaten as a baby, was evil. The author of this fic also wanted to make this fic as f***ed up as she (un)reasonably could. She also hadn't stopped to consider the possibility that Orihime was straight.

And, because of the pairing that the all-knowing author ordained for this fic, Orihime was indeed straight. And soon to be in love, starting that seemingly harmless night.

Ye olden karaoke bar, Seireitei, was always a fun place to be. It was decorated in traditional Japanese décor, and someone was almost always singing J-pop. Unless you played the Random Dare hour, where you would go up and have to sing a—Blech—American song. Most likely from Disney, because the one who compiled yea disgustingness was supposedly a little girl with pink hair.

Which was true, as Orihime knew. She was very good friends with Yachiru-chan, and had the knocks on her head to prove it. Which was one of the reasons why she spent so much time there. The other was that her best friend, a Knight named Tatsuki, was amazing during the Break Dance Face-off.

That night, they had been doing the usual thing, which had included Tatsuki winning the BDFO, crazy dancing, and a very scary rendering of "I Kissed a Girl" on the part of their lesbian "friend" Chizuru. Afterwards, she had tried to kiss Orihime, and Tatsuki had smacked her into a wall. Thankfully for Chizuru, her false glasses had remained intact. If she were to be found out, she could never see her beautiful princess ever again!

"Y'know hoo yew leuk lake?" some drunkie had asked her.

"No, I don't!" Chizuru had promptly run off. For a beautiful moment. For it was at that moment that Orihime had looked toward the main door and seen four guys about her own age walking in. One of them in particular had caught her eye, because of his funny face. And hair like her own. Not style-wise, because for some reason everyone complimented her long, beautiful hair and "snow-white" skin (Tatsuki said it was to avoid the subject of her humongous breasts), and his was short and pretty messy. But it suited him, and—

"Give it up for our next Random Daredevil, Orihime-chan!" Rangiku called from onstage. The guy working the on-stage TVs, a guy named Gin, flashed her picture.

"AAH!?" Orihime hadn't been paying attention at all!

"Go for it!" Tatsuki told her, shoving her forward. Always self-consciously, Orihime made her way up the steps to the stage, trying not to trip, and this time looking for someone. They had already moved, darn it—and she tripped. "You okay?!"

"I'm fine, I'm fine, this happens every time!" Orihime beamed. She then took the mike from a smiling but concerned Rangiku, and waited for her song. The title and artist flashed onscreen:

"Someday My Prince Will Come"

DisneyMania Cover

Orihime gulped. That-that was not funny given her sudden predicament! Her heart fluttered in her chest as the music started, and she took a deep breath before starting. Maybe they'd changed their minds and left. Maybe a trap door had swallowed them. Maybe Mayuri-san had turned them into frogs, which led to hilarious complications in her head even as she sang. And looked down, and saw four certain young men watching her, front row, right next to Tatsuki-chan!?

Almost panicking, Orihime forced herself to look at the TV. Why were they there, why?!

She didn't know that they were there because of her. The brunette Keigo had seen her picture and run off, shouting, "Booby Goddess!" The orangehead Ichigo had taken after him so that Keigo wouldn't embarrass himself, and them, and the black haired boy Mizuiro and the big guy Chad had followed after them. Ichigo had apprehended Keigo by the shirt before he could climb the stage, much to the relief of a surprised Tatsuki. Introductions had followed. Tatsuki would give Orihime the details on the way home.

What Orihime wouldn't ever accept was that she had a really beautiful voice. Everybody else apparently long-since had, because she tended to be a favorite during this thing. That and the fact that she would sing the song, no matter what it was. In fact, the crowd insisted that she sing another. After some prompting from Tatsuki and (oh God) the guys she'd been avoiding eye contact with, she agreed. Ooh, hopefully it would be another love song; she was really in the mood for one now…

"Let's get down to business! To defeat… the _Huns_!" Her voice instantly adopted military tones, much to the face-faults of three particular guys. Chad just couldn't get those. Even when Orihime acted out the words in some points ("Boy I really wish that I knew how to swim~"). ("Hope he doesn't see right through me" was complimented by blushing.)

"And next up," Rangiku began… "Hmm, why don't you pick?"

"M-me?!" Orihime exclaimed. She stuttered, and Tatsuki made it very evident that she didn't want a turn.

"Him! Him!"

"Shut up, Keigo! What're you trying to do?!"

But it was too late. "Him!" Orihime shouted before running up the stage. A very confused Ichigo was shoved along by Keigo and Mizuiro as Orihime sheepishly returned the mike to Rangiku. "S-Sorry," she whispered at the base of the stairs.

"It's fine…" Ichigo shrugged before making his way up to take the mike. He looked at the screen, and forced himself to contain one monster of a face-fault. "Uh… Just whistle while you work…"

By mid-song, Keigo was sitting on the stage and whistling, not always in time or melody. At one point he whistled "The Ants Go Marching One by One."

At the end of it, Ichigo returned the mike with a blush on his face and a laughing Keigo on his shoulder. He didn't know the strawberry blonde host well, but he seemed to sense something evil behind that smile.

"As a further tribute to _Snow White_," she began, "could the following employees please come to the stage. "Toshiro, Rukia, Yachiru, Hanatarou, Momo, Jinta, and Ururu."

"Oh no, she wouldn't!" Tatsuki fought down a wave of laughter.

"Who're they?" Mizuiro asked. His question was answered as seven people slowly and begrudgingly made their way on stage.

"What's with all the short people?" Keigo asked. A silver-haired boy named Toshiro glared at him.

"Sorry about him," Ichigo sighed. Toshiro shrugged, most of his animosity reserved for Rangiku. "Uhm…"

"You are an amazing singer, young lady!" Keigo exclaimed.

"U-uhm… Thank you!" Orihime beamed. "And you're a good whistler!"

"Thank you!!!!" Keigo exclaimed, preparing to hug her before running into Ichigo's fist. "Why this sudden coldness, Ichigo?!"

"It's not sudden, and learn some self-control!"

Their squabbling was cut off by the sound of Orihime's giggling. When she noticed their stares, she instantly blushed. "S-sorry! You two are really funny! And you're a good singer… uhm…"

"Ichigo. Kurosaki Ichigo."

"A-ah… I-I'm… Inoue Orihime!"

…_Did she forget for a second?_

"AND I AM ASANO KEIGO!!!"

"Pl-pleased to meet you…"

"Yeah."

"PLEASED TO MEET _YOU~!_"

Further introductions were postponed by Rangiku's completion of handing each worker a mike. "Watch the TV's, now…"

Their faces ranged from OMG to WTFF?! almost instantly. Gin came up behind them and revved a chainsaw, much to Rangiku's delight and the others' horror. And thus began the song.

"Heigh-ho~! Heigh-ho~! Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it's off to work we go~!"

Gin whistled.

"Heigh-ho~! Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho! Heigh-ho…"

Keigo exploded with laughter, while Tatsuki kept hers at a dull roar. Ichigo and Orihime exchanged a glance, although Orihime almost instantly blushed and Ichigo had no idea why.

"Are you okay? Your face is red."

"N-no! I'm fine!" Her face got even redder, and still he remained clueless. Tatsuki didn't. Unfortunately for both them and the readers, neither did Chizuru.

The night had ended normally enough with exchanged phone numbers and blushing on the part of Orihime, and blatant flirting on the part of Keigo that Chizuru had jumped him for, and a very clueless Ichigo.

However, Chizuru had not been so clueless, and the exchange of phone numbers only added to her fears. She had to find a way to keep them apart, and keep Orihime hers! Mizuiro had assured her, confusedly, that Ichigo was indeed straight, so Chizuru was terrified. What would this frowning, redheaded male who had gotten Orihime's attention _do_ to her when he figured it out? Perhaps he had already, and was feigning cluelessness. Then when she wasn't there to protect her princess and Tatsuki was already dead drunk he would—!

Chizuru had spent three days thinking about it from there. Three days that no author would dare subject her readers to. Three days of unspeakable Lemony horrors at the hands of a looneymind-conjured Sasquatch.

In those three days an off-topic but plot-necessary hostile takeover from within the Seireitei had occurred. One of the main bartenders, a guy who went by his last name Aizen, had bought out 51% of Seireitei's stocks in a single swoop, and become the new owner. He was gay, so Chizuru didn't mind. It was straight guys who were her primary concern.

Curse straight guys. And then one day, Chizuru realized how she could protect Orihime from the greater evil and keep her out of the reach of those perverted apes forever! She dialed up the Seireitei, and got Aizen on the line. He was perfectly willing to loan her one of his best bouncers, _anything_ for the Queen, and soon she had one who could regenerate his eye.

For the sake of the readers, I will avoid typing out that horribly messed up conversation, and shall skip to the main point.

Even emo-tionless Ulquiorra had to pause before repeating his instructions. "You want me to bring this girl to Aizen-sama's plastic surgeon Aporro Granz, have him give her a sex change, and bring back her… female organs in this box as proof of the deed."

"Yes," the Queen affirmed with perfect serious and enough manic conviction to tempt Ulquiorra to whistle the noise of a cuckoo clock.

But he didn't, instead assuring her that he would indeed complete the deed and calmly walking out (escaping) as quickly as he could.

Queen Chizuru would have normally died before entrusting a male to this work, but she had the complete self-assurance that all of Aizen's top men were gay.

......

About an hour later, she had a call from another of Aizen's bouncers, and quickly let him (ugh, another male) in. This one had spiky blue hair and a jacket sexy enough for Chizuru to want one, too. "Yes?" the Queen asked.

"I was wonderin' if Ulquiorra'd already left."

"Yes. He left an hour ago."

"Aww, dangit."

"Why?" Chizuru could already guess, and decided to tease this one about it. "Already missing your boyfriend?"

Awww, what a funny face. "My… _what_?! HELL NO, LADY!!! I am STA-RAIGHT as Schwarzenegger, thank you very much!!!"

"Oh." Ugh, then he was straight. She opened her mouth to have him get out of her sight.

"…Wait." He seemed to have a thought coming on. "You thought Ulquiorra's gay?"

"Isn't he?" Oh no, if he wasn't…

Stone silence, blankness. And then… "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!OHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT, I'MGONNADIELAUGHING, OHSHIT!!!AHAHAHAHAAHAAAAAHA~"

Queen Chizuru stopped hearing the barrage of laughter as the full realization hit her. She had sent a straight, single man after her beloved Hime. He would see her, lust after her, and then… then… LEMON, NOOOOOO!!!

Rage filled Chizuru as the blunette rolled over the floor, laughter drowning out all else in the throne room. That lemon would not happen. Not if she could help it.

......

The target was picking flowers, no idea of what nonsense would soon befall her. Not that Ulquiorra particularly cared about the little airhead; orders were orders, and his orders from Aizen-sama were to aid the Queen as she ordered. So here he was, and off went his phone. Inwardly cursing, Ulquiorra flipped open the vibrating annoyance, put it to his ear, and was greeted by a racket audible for miles.

The sound of Grimmjow's laughter.

Oh, joy. Pure, unbridled joy.

He'd just have to take it out on the target.

"BWAHAHAHA…" The initial racket was finally slowing down. "Holy fuck, Ulquiorra; what'd you _do_?"

"What are you talking about, Grimmjow? I'm busy at the moment."

"Busy doing what, listening to the Jonas Brothers?"

"That trash? No." Hell no. Where had that come from?

"Miley Cyrus, then?"

"No. Do I even _want_ to know the point of this?"

"What?" Grimmjow asked innocently. "I always thought you were smitten by Raven?"

There was that annoying blush again. "What are you getting at?"

"What? I just didn't think you were battin' for the other team."

"What?"

"Y'know, I didn't know you swung the other way."

"What? Why would you think that I'm—"

"That's just what I heard from the Queen! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA—!"

Ulquiorra hung up on the riotous laughter a little more forcefully than was necessary. It vibrated again almost instantly. Grimmjow again. "What?" No indication of rage in his voice.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Ulquiorra turned off his phone. That little, pink-haired… He looked again to the girl, whom he now recognized as a regular to _Las Noches_. And you know what? Ulquiorra walked right up to the girl, tapped her on the shoulder, told her what his orders were, and finished with an "If I were you, I'd leave the country."

"Wha-what about you?" Orihime was still wrapping her head around the idea, but if he had just disobeyed direct orders from some crazy Queen who wanted to—Yeek!!!!

"I'm going home to Germany. This country is trash."

"Why-why did you help me?"

"Because the Queen is even greater trash." And with that, he went home to grab his crap before the Queen found out what he had done. No more Grimmjow, no more Yammy, no more Espada in general, no more Gay Nights…

Ulquiorra nearly did a happy dance, but restrained himself until he got home. And the second he got home, he pulled up "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" and started head banging.

Orihime, meanwhile, had fled into the woods while texting Tatsuki.

_Yes, I know that this is quite ridiculous. That's why soon there shall be a chapter two! Read again and review, please._


	2. Just Whistle While You Work

_**Warning**__: This fanfic will feature WTFness and a rather laughable crossover. However, it will also become a fair bit more serious. Oh well. Please do not read if you would be offended; please do not flame; please do not come crying to me if you don't like it._

_After this, there is no way that I will __ever own any rights to _Bleach_, its poor defenseless characters, or any merchandising rights whatsoever. Same for _Pokémon_. Yes, _Pokémon. _That said, here is chapter two._

Ch. II, "Just Whistle While You Work"

_**T**_he woods were deep and dark, and Orihime had never gone this far on foot. And, even when she had been riding, she had always been with Tatsuki. Who was on a royal quest in Germany, and wouldn't be back for at least a month.

And, for this reason, Orihime had resolved not to tell her friend of her predicament. Being a knight was important to Tatsuki, and to be on a _royal_ quest was a high honor, and—

A royal quest. Which would have been issued directly by the Queen who wanted to…

This whole thing was a setup. Get Tatsuki out of the way, leave her with no defenses, come in and…

If Ulquiorra hadn't warned her, she would have been turned into a _guy_. By the leader of the nation! What kind of a leader was the Queen, anyway?!

......

Chizuru was a very angry leader. Not only had Ulquiorra crossed the border not an hour before, but Orihime had last been seen leaving her house, riding into the forest, half a day ago! Not only had Ulquiorra disobeyed his orders, he was dragging her away, out of the country, to do with her whatever he pleased! Lemon; straight lemon, noooooo!

She WOULD save her beloved Orihime. She called for the knights on quests abroad (ironically, she had sent Tatsuki to Germany to keep her out of the way) to be on the lookout for Ulquiorra Schiffer and Inoue Orihime. She would stop the lemon, she would, even if she had to release the Green-eyed Monster to do it.

......

The woods weren't quite so bad, now that she was with Hikarei. She made good time, even though she had no idea where she was going, and she even saw some Pokémon that she hadn't seen before. She let Hikarei chase a few (and found herself hanging on for dear life, half the time), but she didn't let her breathe fire. That would just be cruel. But, it was during her play with a herd of Stantler that Orihime found herself in a clearing, looking at a small (but beautiful) house.

"Should we check it out, Hikarei-chan?" Orihime mused. Hikarei sniffed the air, looked around, and lay down to let her off. "Okay! Anybody here? Hello?"

Several heads poked out from behind, from windows, and from the trees. Seven total and, holy cow…

It was the Seven Dwarves!!!

"Huh? Inoue?" Rukia ran forward, and they met halfway across the clearing in a massive hug. "Inoue, what are you doing here?!"

"Ru-Rukia-chan, I was going to ask you the same question!" As happy as Inoue was to see her old friend from the karaoke club, what was she doing out here?!

Rukia's expression grew somewhat darker. "You can thank Aizen for that, the traitor."

"Sosuke-kun…" In the month that he'd been in charge, so much had changed… It was almost scary to go there sometimes, and Ichigo hadn't wanted to come, period… "But, what're you guys…"

"We refused to go along with the changes he was making," Toshiro explained. "So we moved out here."

"What about Rangiku-chan, and Gin-kun and—"

"Matsumoto stayed on, just because Ichimaru was."

"Oh… That's pretty brave of her…"

"Whatever. It was all we could do to make Hinamori come."

"Who knew Aizen was gay?" Jinta asked. "That'd come as a shock to any chick who liked him—"

Orihime watched every last girl glare Jinta down.

"But… Orihime-san…" Hanatarou began… "What're you doing out here?"

"Ehehe… I'm still trying to understand it, myself…"

"Come on in, and we'll talk about it," Rukia offered.

"Tha-thank you… But what about Hikarei-chan…"

"Yo-you have an Arcanine!" Momo gasped.

"Ha-hai!"

"She's beautiful—"

"And here comes Miharu," Toshiro sighed.

Orihime could now clearly hear something calling, and Hikarei was about ready to break off running. It wasn't a hard guess as to why, for around the house came—

A Flareon! Charging straight for Hikarei, who wanted so badly to run—

"Go for it, Hikarei-chan," Orihime beamed.

Hikarei wasn't slow to obey.

"That's a well-trained Arcanine," Toshiro commented.

"Ehehehe… Tatsuki-chan helped me! She has a Primeape, and all…"

"Yo-you have a friend with a Primeape?!"

"Hai! And a Hitmonlee! You should talk to her when she gets back from Germany!"

"Ger-Germany?"

"Yeah! She's a Knight!"

"She is?" Now Rukia had perked up.

"Yeah… Haven't you met Tatsuki-chan, Rukia-chan?"

"Spiky black hair, protective as a Charizard?"

"Hai!"

"Ye-yeah… I just didn't know that she was a Knight…"

"Ne, Rukia, maybe she knows where they are!" Momo suddenly exclaimed.

"Ye-yeah!"

"Who?"

"A-ah… Two old friends of ours," Rukia explained. "We haven't seen them in years, but…"

"I'll call her now!"

"Cell phones don't work out here."

"Re-really?"

No, they didn't!!! Her text hadn't even sent! Oh no, if Tatsuki-chan tried to call…

"Oi, are you coming inside or not?" Jinta called. "Ururu, are you gonna sweep, or—"

"Ne, ne, Jinta," a new voice rang. "Aren't you _both_ supposed to be doing that?"

"U-Urahara-san!" Ururu exclaimed. Jinta's eyes widened, and he immediately crossed his arms and glared at the wall.

"Hello, Ururu, hello Jinta. How're you two doing?" Urahara beamed. "Huh? INOUE-SAN?!"

"Ha-hai…"

"What are you doing _here_?"

"U-uhm… It's a very weird story…"

"I'd think so, if the Queen is after you!"

"Wait, the QUEEN?!"

"Inoue, what did you DO?!"

"What's going on?"

"A-Anou…"

"We should probably talk about this inside," Toshiro, the voice of reason, said. "Especially since we were planning to ten minutes ago."

Once inside, Orihime got to work telling her tale as best she could.

From the looks she got, she could guess that she'd only made it even stranger.

Urahara looked very serious. "I had heard that Queen Chizuru was a lesbian and refusing to marry, but that she would go to such lengths…"

"Should we try to get Inoue out of the country?" Rukia asked.

"No, now they're watching the borders, and the knights are on the lookout for her."

"I-I'm a criminal..?"

"No, no, everybody's been told that Inoue Orihime, friend of Queen Chizuru, has been kidnapped by one Ulquiorra Schiffer."

"Ulquiorra-kun…"

"I never thought that he'd do something like that," Momo confessed. "He's always been so… You know… Anything but selfless…"

"Hai…" Orihime had other things to not believe, right now. She _liked_ being a girl!!! And she liked someone other than a Queen she had never met! How had the Queen come to the decision to do this, anyway?! How did she even know she existed?! Did she have some type of probe, or was she spying on her in the shower, or…

"Inoue!"

"Ha-hai!"

"Zoned out, huh?" Jinta smirked.

"Sor-sorry!"

"If you want, you can stay with us," Rukia told her.

"Huh?" But that would put them in danger! "I-I couldn't!"

"Yeah, well, you don't have much of a choice," Toshiro told her. "They'll find you if you try to run, and no one comes out here. And even if they do, it'll be easy to hide you."

"Bu-but—"

"It's not like you're a felon," Toshiro sighed. "And there's no way we can hand you over to such a loony ruler, anyway."

"Yo-you guys…"

"C'mon," Rukia smiled. "Let's get you a room set up."

"A… arigato…"

"One more thing, Inoue-san," Urahara called.

"Hai?"

"If you want to keep running from the Queen, you'll need to be able to fight back."

"Ha-hai."

"And so, I will train you."

"Yo-you will?!"

"Hai, hai. In fact, I have a student who _needs_ a training partner more on his level!"

"Urahara," Toshiro snapped. "We can't just let everyone know she's here!"

"Don't worry, don't worry; this boy's about as far along the straight and narrow as I know…"

"Because you know so many trustworthy people," Rukia told him, rolling her eyes.

"He knows you all, doesn't he?" Inoue reasoned.

"That settles it!" Urahara declared. "I will bring him in two days! See you the~en!"

"Ne, Rukia-chan?"

"Hai?"

"Why did you guys come out here?"

"Aizen wanted us to do… less than appropriate shows."

"I… really?" (She wouldn't say anything mean about Las Noches, she wouldn't…)

"If you've been going to Sei-_Las Noches_, you would know."

"Yeah…"

"Ugh!" Rukia punched the bed she was making with particular fury. "If only the General hadn't passed away, this would never have happened!!!"

"Rukia-chan…"

"Su-sumimassen, Inoue.

"No, no, it's fine…" If Tatsuki were here, she would change the subject… "Oh!"

"Hai?"

"Who was Momo talking about, before?"

"Huh?"

"We-well I mentioned Tatsuki being a Knight and you guys said that maybe she knew someone and I was wondering—"

"NO-NOBODY! NOBODY AT ALL, INOUE, AHAHAHAAHAAAAA!"

"Rukia-chan…" She was blushing pretty badly… "Boyfriend?"

"A-ah… no… uhm… Thi-this room needs more Wigglytuffs! Come on, Orihime!!!"

"…Huh..?"

"I have plenty in my room, and this one needs more cuteness!"

"Oh, Hikarei can—"

"THIS WAY!!!" Rukia charged down the hall, Orihime flapping behind, and into a room filled with…

Wigglytuffs.

"I just LOVE Wigglytuff, it's so cute!"

Even Orihime could have figured that, from all of the plushies that Rukia was beaming at.

"This one's name is Chappy! And this one's name is also Chappy! Hello, Chappy-chan! Hello, Chappy-san! You're all so cuuuuute!"

"Ru-Rukia-chan?"

"Oh, hai, hai! For some reason, I always name them Chappy, after… Chappy!!!"

"Wiggly!"

Rukia had a Wigglytuff..? Huh. And it was KOWAII!

"She's had that thing since it was a Jigglypuff," Toshiro sighed from the door.

"Re-really?"

"Yeah. They instantly got along because they had about the same drawing capability."

"Yes! Chappy and I are artists!!!"

"Tha-that's awesome!!!"

"By that definition," Jinta called, "three-year-olds are artists, too!"

…Orihime had not known that Wigglytuffs could use Ice Beam.

......

Orihime could do just about any chore that the Dwarves could ask of her, but she was fairly disappointed that Toshiro had outlawed her cooking. She _loved_ to cook, too… But why was it that nobody really liked her stuff? She thought that it tasted good… Hikarei didn't, but she ate meat, anyway… And got to spend her days running around in the forest, these days... Well, right now, she was napping not ten feet away as Orihime did a chore that wasn't cooking…

Orihime sighed, pegged another towel onto the clothes line, and pondered who it was that Urahara-san could possibly bring? Somebody who wanted to become a knight? A friend? A future hero? Kurosaki-kun?

Well, there was no way that it would be the last one…

"What do you think, Hikarei-chan?"

Hikarei sniffed the air and stood, eyes on the path to town but not growling. A guest, then.

"Ohayo, Inoue-san!"

"Ohayo, Urahara-san!" Orihime hurriedly pegged the last shirt before hurrying over to greet him—

Hikarei ran ahead of her. No, _charged_, as something easily her size erupted from the forest!

"Hikarei-chan!" She could see that it was another dog, but not an Arcanine. A Houndoom! If they fought, one could be—They were sniffing. And staring each other down. And rolling around on the ground like puppies! Okay, then, there was a huge relief… But Urahara-san didn't have a Houndoom, she knew…

"Oi, Hoya!" a male voice called, somewhere between concerned and tired. The Houndoom looked up, with a somewhat guilty but not too repentant look on its face. Orihime looked over as well as its master came running down the path, panting slightly.

No way.

Orange hair, naturally spiky; a tall, strong build; dark eyes widening in surprise.

"I-Inoue?!"

"Kurosaki-kun..!"

End of chapter.

_Yes, I know that this is now just ridiculous. I'm not sure if I actually want to keep the Pokémon thing in there( I was originally going to have them on chocabos), so I'd like some honest feedback on it. Which means REVIEWING, people._


	3. Make a Man Out of You

_**Warning**__: This fanfic crosses every sexual line that I could think of, without writing of the actual acts of lemon or lime. Please do not read if you would be offended; please do not flame; please do not come crying to me if you don't like it._

_After this, there is no way that I will __ever own any rights to _Bleach_, its poor defenseless characters, or any merchandising rights whatsoever. Same for _Pokémon_. And whatever else I may or may not drag in, but here is chapter three._

_**A**_s Orihime was quick to discover, Ichigo was quite skilled with a sword. Even one that he shouldn't have been able to lift and put her at a clear disadvantage and was shaped like a giant butter knife…

Condensed version, Kurosaki-kun had a sword. Orihime had karate.

This was NOT going to work.

"Are you good with any weapons, Inoue-san?" Urahara asked.

"U-uhm… Yes!"

Ichigo watched somewhat curiously as she drew a line of wire from her tiny little backpack to reveal…

What was that? A bug, a plane, a what on a long line of wire. A blade shaped like Tsubaki's airplane mode

"A Kyoketsu Shoge, Inoue-san?" Urahara sounded surprised.

"Ha-hai!

Ichigo had a sword as tall as he was. Inoue had a knife on a string.

This was NOT going to work.

"O-oi," he called, "maybe we shouldn't be using our actual—"

"Begin!" Urahara called.

"Wait."

"Toshiro-kun?"

"Maybe you shouldn't fight, here."

Ten feet away, the laundry was hanging out to dry. Twenty feet the other way, there was the house. Fifteen feet another way, there was Momo in the vegetable garden.

"The practice field's down that path," Toshiro told them, pointing far, far away from the house. "Be careful."

"What he means to say," Momo said, "is don't hurt Orihime-san."

"Or we'll kill you," Yachiru called happily. From the roof.

And why did the redheaded boy next to her have a heavy metal bat?

"Ya-Yachiru-chan!" Orihime called, almost at a whine.

"Well then, let's get going," Urahara called, already at the path.

"Hai!" Orihime called back, grabbing her pack and swinging it over her shoulder.

_What have I gotten myself into?_ Ichigo wondered, jogging to catch up.

"Kill you," Yachiru called cheerfully.

......

"What the Hell?!" Ichigo landed a good twenty feet away from the point of impact, and skidded a good ten feet more.

Which didn't explain why he was now only _fifteen _feet away from the crater.

"Go-gomen!" Orihime called, pulling her blade from the crater's center before resuming a deceptively gentle swing. From the clearing edge, Hoya was staring in about as much disbelief as his master, and Hikarei was smirking. Urahara was covering his face with his fan. A soft sound came from the twirling wire, and a light breeze blew Orihime's ponytail back from the blade. Which had produced a 30-foot wide crater.

Was that a blade, or a bludgeon?!

Ichigo gripped his sword that much tighter and prepared for another round. Orihime stood at the ready, eyes surprisingly focused for such a delicate-looking girl. He charged, ready to swing his sword—

Orihime's wire looped at the base of the grip, and she expertly pulled it down to the ground. Ichigo went with it, and found a blade at his throat. Yes, it was a blade.

"Go-Gomen, Kurosaki-kun…"

"Good job, Inoue-san!" Urahara cheered. "I had no idea that you could fight like that!"

"Ehehe… My friend Tatsuki's a Knight, and she's the one who taught me…"

_Snow White may not even _need_ her Prince Charming…_

"Oi, you say something, Hat and Clogs?"

"Nothing at all! Continue!"

"Hai!"

Boom!

"How the Hell can that thing explode?!"

Had bringing Ichigo as insurance actually been _overkill_..?

......

"Jiggly!"

Orihime barely had time to blink before a blur of pink bounded onto her head and began scrutinizing. It was all that she could do to keep her balance while supporting herself and Ichigo.

"She's okay!" Yachiru called. If Toshiro was relieved, he didn't show it. "Can we kill him anyway?"

Ichigo simultaneously stiffened and did a double take. What?!

"No," Toshiro called flatly.

"It looks like Inoue's come pretty close, already," Rukia called back, louder than was probably necessary.

"Ya sure Urahara didn't just jump in himself?" Jinta asked, just about as loudly. "He looks like he went a few rounds with me 'n Ururu."

"Urusai!" Ichigo called through a bruised jaw (explosion debris, Orihime's apologies). "You wanna go, again?"

"Sure, when you're not an invalid!"

"I'm _not_ an invalid!"

"Coulda fooled me!"

"Nan—"

Again, Ichigo found himself being cut off by shy, high-spirited laughter.

"Sor-sorry," Orihime chimed, wiping away a tear with her free hand. "You guys are just so funny… Hehe…"

Ichigo shook his head with a small (begrudging and subconscious) smile on his face. This was probably the strangest girl that he had ever met. Arg, turning his head hurt!

"So we're bandaging him, I take it?" Toshiro asked, not even sounding too concerned.

"O-of course!" Momo exclaimed. "Where's the first aid kit?!"

"I'll get it," Hanatarou called, stripping off the gardening gloves.

"Yo-you don't have to!" Ichigo protested, suddenly embarrassed. "My-my dad's a doctor, and I can just fix myself up back home…"

If Orihime was listening enough to laugh, why was she leading him toward the house?

"Go-gomen!"

"It's fine," Ichigo tried to tell her. "It doesn't even hurt."

"Bu-but I still did that…"

"Don't worry about it," Ichigo insisted. "It was combat training, after all…"

"But I'm not hurt at all, and you…"

"It's fine! Ouch!"

"That's what you get for trying to go easy on a girl," Rukia teased. She'd been doing this the whole time, watching the first aid and not lifting a finger as she tormented the so-called patient. That meant that Orihime and Momo had to be nice for three instead of two while Hanatarou worked at him.

At least, that was what it seemed like.

"Go-Gomen, Kurosaki-kun!"

"It's fine!"

"Find some new material," Toshiro told him.

Yeah, and why was he even in here? _How_ this kid was boss of the house wasn't that hard to guess, but still.

"Ouch!"

"Gome—!"

"Yay, we're killing him, after all!"

Why the Hell did that kid have a katana?!

......

The sky had turned into a brilliant mixture of reds and golds and oranges. Sitting there beside him before he had to leave, Orihime was more content than she had been since before Ulquiorra had come with that horrible story…

"Oi, Inoue."

"Ha-hai, Kurosaki-kun?"

"Why're you out here?"

"Uh-uhm…"

"I know that everybody's looking for you. You were supposed to have been kidnapped."

"Tha-that last part's really not true."

"Yeah, I figured. If it had been these guys, they wouldn't be trying to make you stronger. And Hikarei wouldn't be so happy about being here."

"Ye-yeah…" Wow, he was smart. But she didn't want to have to tell the story, that embarrassing story, not to him…

"So why?"

"I-it…" Her cheeks were burning, already. How would he react to it, how?

"She may not want to tell it," Rukia sighed, sitting down before them. "It's probably fairly humiliating for her."

Chappy sat down beside her, nodding seriously.

"Is it that bad?" He was probably regretting having asked.

"Yeah. It's not that she's a friend of the Queen; it's that the Queen is after her."

"The-the Queen?! Why?!"

"Have you heard that the Queen is a lesbian?"

"Huh?" He looked thrown, and hesitated before asking "Yeah, why?"

"Well, her father refuses to let her keep the throne with a wife, so she is required to marry a man."

"Okay, but what's this got to do with—"

"So if she has to have a man," Rukia spat, "she figures that she'll at least have one that used to be a woman."

"…Wa-wait, what? That doesn't even make any sense!"

"Idiot," Jinta drawled, "it means that she wanted to stick a penis on a chick and make her a dude on the outside."

"Wait, _what_?!" Ichigo looked like his brain had just a sploded.

"And," Rukia growled, "she for some unknown reason chose Inoue."

"**WHAT?!**" Ichigo's head snapped back to look at Orihime, who by this point had buried her beet red face into her knees and was longing to die of embarrassment. "I-Inoue…" His voice was barely above a whisper. "Does she actually want to..?"

She nodded, fists clenching still tighter, face growing still hotter.

"Did she actually _try_ to..?"

Orihime squeaked, and shuddered at the thought.

"She got an advance warning and fled," Toshiro sighed—when had he gotten there?!—"And somehow wound up here."

"And there's no way we'd give her up to such a psycho," Rukia added.

"So it's really important that you don't tell anyone about this," Momo finished earnestly.

Even Inoue poked her eyes up (oh man, there were tears) to meet his.

"You've gotta be freakin' kidding me. What the Hell's Chizuru thinking, that she wants to do that?!"

"Kurosaki-kun…"

"Don't worry, Inoue, call me whenever you need the extra help."

"A-arigato…"

"Baka," Jinta drawled. "There's no reception out here."

......

"Re-really?!" Orihime exclaimed.

"Really!" Momo exclaimed. "It was an Alakazam!"

"Tha-that's crazy! They're super strong! And a third stage evolution!"

"I know! It was only for a second, but still…"

"Amazing! I wish I could've seen it…"

"Oi, girl!"

"Hai, Jinta-kun?"

"Inside!" Wow, he was running quickly…

"Wh-why?"

Jinta didn't respond at first, fully intent on getting her to a sprinting Hikarei. Orihime barely had time to see Ururu take up her window washing.

"Jinta-kun?"

"Someone's coming."

"Who?" Momo asked.

"Gin."

"A-and why…" Orihime began from atop Hikarei

"We can't let 'em find you, idiot!" he shouted, shoving Hikarei into full sprint. The Arcanine ran into the woods, and Orihime could barely see the house as Gin waved to Jinta and Momo. "Oi, Toshiro!"

"What now?"

"Ichimaru's here."

"Afternoon, Toshiro-kun…"

Orihime heard little more as Hikarei continued toward the creek. She hadn't seen Gin in a long while, and he was so much fun; this was really disappointing. If only she didn't have to hide from everybody… "It won't always be like this… Right, Hikarei?"

Hikarei wasn't any surer than she was, and soon they came to the waterfall. Beyond it was the cave that Rukia had shown her on the first day, where they would hide until unwanted visitors were gone. Well, maybe not _unwanted_, but as long as the Queen was still looking for her (Urahara assured her that she was)… She couldn't let anybody know where she was. Not even Tatsuki, who was probably worried sick.

_Probably?_ She had _probably_ been told that she had been kidnapped! Of course she was worried! She would be _beyond_ worried! Orihime wiped the accumulating tears aside, roaring spring flood hiding her sniffles. Hikarei whined and nuzzled her, sitting through the damp for her girl and worried, too.

Heck, even _she_ was worried! She'd either be hiding in the woods for the rest of her life or be forced to become a guy! And be king, but still… No, no, no, she liked being a girl, and she already liked Kurosaki-kun.

Who had taken the news of what the Queen was trying to do to her with a vow to keep the secret and help her any way that he could. Like a much older friend, or a comic book hero, or a fairy tale prince—prince. Her prince charming…

"Someday, my prince will come…"

Oh, she couldn't sing, not in here… Orihime contented herself with quiet humming and waited for someone to come and get her.

Why, when Rukia finally called her name, was she so disappointed that it wasn't Ichigo?

......

Chizuru was happy, happy, extremely happy! Her father wasn't evil, after all! No way, not if he would decide this! Yes!

She could marry Orihime! Woman to woman! Yes! She could adopt from within the family! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Now, she merely needed her Hime's location.

It wouldn't be much longer, now, she knew it. She would have her Hime, and then…

LEMON!!!

End of chapter.

_Yes, Urahara is that genre-savvy. Who else would be? The climax will be in a chapter or two, so if there's something that I need to fix, now's the time to let me know. Which means REVIEWING, people!_


	4. Beauty and the Beast

_**Warning**__: This fanfic crosses every sexual line that I could think of, without writing of the actual acts of lemon or lime. Please do not read if you would be offended; please do not flame; please do not come crying to me if you don't like it._

_After this, there is no way that I will __ever own any rights to _Bleach_, its poor defenseless characters, or any merchandising rights whatsoever. Same for _Pokémon_. Yes, _Pokémon. _That said, here is chapter two._

Ch. IV, "Beauty and the Beast"

_**A**_nother day was breaking over the mountains, shining into the windows and stirring the house's occupants. Orihime yawned and stretched, muscles barely tensing. Huh… She'd put on a bit more of it in the past couple of weeks. How long had she been out here, now? Three? Four? Something like that…

"Good morning, Hikarei!"

The Arcanine blinked open one great golden eye, and gently nuzzled her girl. Orihime scooted up a little bit on the pallet so that she could lean against Hikarei's great, warm side. She ran her fingers—still soft thanks to her weapon gloves—through the even softer fur, pondering. She was coming to _love _her life out here, but the apartment that she shared with Tatsuki-chan was probably covered in a layer of dust if the Knight hadn't returned, and she hadn't seen Rangiku-san in a month, and Chizuru-chan probably wanted to go clubbing with her, and everybody was probably worried sick, and…

And she wanted to go home.

Hikarei whined softly, again nuzzling Orihime as the tears pricked at her eyes, again. They'd soon spill out, again, as stubborn as their owner. Orihime didn't want to cry, she didn't; the others would hear and worry and she'd seem so ungrateful but they were already trickling down her cheeks… She quickly wiped them away and turned to bury her face in Hikarei's belly fur. A big, warm tongue ran along the top of her head, a gentle massage and a soothing rhythm to make her sleep…

"Inoue!" Rukia called, banging on the door.

"Hu-huh..?" Orihime blinked, turning over and into the morning sun. "Wasn't I supposed to be awake..?" Oww, cramp! She'd fallen asleep at an awkward angle earlier…

"Well, you're awake, now," Rukia said, peeking in the door. "C'mon, breakfast is in ten!"

"Ha-hai…" Inoue sat up and rubbed the head of one recently-roused Arcanine, who was exchanging a morning sniff with one peppy Chappy. "Arigato, Rukia-chan!"

"Hai. C'mon, Chappy, there's pancakes!"

"Wiggly!"

"Pancakes! Oh, and—"

"The guys and Yachiru are go hunting after breakfast, if Hikarei wants to go, too."

They'd count her reaction as a yes.

......

Chocolate chip pancakes and red bean paste! Orihime happily demolished yet another, almost racing Jinta for who could eat more.

"Another!" Jinta called.

"More, please," Orihime chirped.

"Hai." Ururu calmly placed another onto Jinta's plate, just in time for him to inhale it.

"Tha-that's so fast, Jinta-kun…" Orihime at least wanted to _taste_ it…

"Of course it is! I'm gonna win!"

"Huh..?"

"I'm gonna win the eating race, dumbo!"

"Race..?"

Jinta's face-faults were amusing. "Yes, race! As in you and I are racing!"

"We-we are?"

"You-you gotta be kidding! How can you eat that fast otherwise?!"

"U-uhm…"

"Hasn't she been here a month, already?" Toshiro sighed. "You should be used to this."

"Shaddup. I don't normally _eat_ breakfast!"

"Sleepyhead," Ururu said.

"Whaddid you say?!"

"It's the nice way of saying that you're lazy," Rangiku said.

"Hey!"

"Wait…" Toshiro said.

"WHEN DID YOU GET HERE?!" Momo cried.

"Just now; the door was open and—ORIHIME?!"

Rukia and Orihime froze at the door, where Rukia had been attempting to sneak the fugitive out. Both turned, to see a wide-eyed Rangiku pointing and attempting to form words. "But you—Ulquiorra kidnapped you—what?"

"Ehehe…" Orihime rubbed the back of her head, clearly embarrassed. "Actually, he was the one who warned me…"

"EEEEH?!"

"We-well…"

......

"**WHAAAAAT?!**" Rangiku's cry sent birds flying for miles.

"Ye-yeah…" Sadly, it was getting easier for even Orihime to tell the story of her disappearance.

"Okay, I am going to go marching into that palace right now and kick her psycho-lesbian ass all the way to Duelist Kingdom!"

"Noooo!" About five people piled on before she could get five inches.

"Let go! I'm serious, what the Hell gives her the right to force a sex change on Orihime?! She's straight, right?!"

"Ha-hai…"

"Well, there you go! And it's not like she doesn't like someone else or anything…"

"Ha-HUH?!" Oh no had Rangiku-san figured it out, too?!

"YOU LIKE SOMEONE?!"

"When did this happen?"

"Is he cute?"

"What's his name?"

"Can we kill him?"

"Do we know him?"

No, she could not tell them or they'd make it awkward next time Kurosaki-kun came for practice…

"EEEEH?! KUROSAKI?!"

"That guy?!"

Oh no, she'd said that aloud?!

On the plus side, Rangiku had completely forgotten about going to beat up the Queen. Unfortunately, this made the ensuing conversation extremely awkward.

"More pancakes, please~!" Yachiru chimed.

"At least she's saying 'please,' now," Toshiro mumbled.

......

Maybe it wasn't so bad, now that everybody knew. It wasn't the biggest secret about her that they were keeping, and it wasn't as if they could tell too many people, anyway… And besides, now she could have girl talk! Over ice cream! With Rukia-chan and Momo-chan and Rangiku-san!

"Renji and I grew up together," Rukia smiled. "We ran around the neighborhood with our friends, having water gun wars and chasing Pokémon and playing Duel Monsters…" She had this really dreamy look on her face. "Nii-sama was a Lieutenant in the Cavalry at the time, and he let Renji become one of his apprentices when he came of age…"

"What about you?"

Rukia twisted her face into a snooty pout. "It's too dangerous for my _little_ sister. She must stay in town where she will be _safer_." She dropped it in favor of a truer sigh. "He barely taught me how to defend myself; the rest was taught by my friends, or I learned it on my own. I haven't really seen either since the Campaigns began…"

"So you were hoping Tatsuki had seen him."

"Yeah. I at least know that he's _alive_, but…"

"Yeah…"

"And he made Lieutenant."

"Really?! But wouldn't that make him equal to your brother?"

"No, Nii-sama became a Captain awhile ago."

"Oh, wow… I know Tatsuki's a third seat under Captain Amagi…"

"Ama—" Momo's eyes widened. "Who's her Lieutenant?!"

"Huh?" Momo-chan had just lit up like Miharu's Flamethrower..! "Ki… Kira… Inu… Izuru? Ah, Kira Izuru!"

"Kira-kun?! Your friend's with Kira-kun!!!"

"Huh?"

"O-oh… uhm… Ki-Kira-kun's an old friend, too… He made Knight when I didn't… I was always better at spells than swords, and…" She was turning _redder_ than Miharu's Flamethrower, too… "And I haven't seen him since the Campaigns started, either…"

"Yeah, unlike _Rangiku_, who's eating all the ice cream…" Rukia teased. "How _is_ Ichimaru—traitor—_kun_, anyway?"

"He is _not_ a traitor! He and Aizen are just old friends!"

"And so he stayed with him, even when—"

"There is nothing wrong with being gay. Gay and _crazy_, yes, but not just if he's gay. It's not that I hold you responsible for leaving, either—no matter how cute the uniforms are—so can we just _drop_ the issue?"

"So how _is_ Ichimaru-san?" Momo smiled nervously, trying to be the peacekeeper. Rukia pulled her tongue (the remainder of her "uniform" grimace) and forced herself to look agreeable. Somewhat.

"Pretty good, busy as always trying to keep _some_ of the straights from leaving…"

Rukia snorted into a giggle. "Must be a real challenge."

"I _kno~ow_! Good thing he's as straight as a…"

"Don't finish that," Rukia ordered.

"What?" Momo asked.

Orihime blushed, her innocence long-shattered by Tatsuki and Chizuru.

"Name a phallic symbol," Rangiku told her. "_Any_ phallic symbol."

"… A sword?"

"There we go! He's as straight as a sword!"

"I still don't get the—"

"But doesn't Ichimaru prefer _Nippontō*_?" Rukia smirked.

"Oh, no, trust me; he's straight."

"And _how_, pray tell, can you be _sure_?"

"Why else would I insist on my rights to boy talk?"

Momo turned red again, eyes huge.

"Oh!" Orihime knew full well that Matsumoto was _far_ older (and more well-rounded) than anybody else here, but still… "Con-congratulations!"

"Wait, when did this happen?!" Rukia demanded.

"After you left, and there was less pressure to be… strictly professional with our co-workers. Especially since Aizen had us pegged a _long_ time ago."

"You mean all this time…"

"You two have been…

"Yep." Rangiku flashed a peace sign, leaving Rukia and Momo to face plant in shock.

"Huh?" Orihime watched them curiously. "You're that surprised?"

"Aren't you?!"

"Call it woman's intuition," Orihime beamed. Oh, the irony.

"So, then…" Rangiku smiled. "That just leaves you and Mr. Frowny."

"Huh..?" They were all looking at her. "Um-well…"

"Let me guess," Rangiku smiled. "You met at Seireitei, started crushing on the spot, became friends, and kept meeting up after that. Probably at a gym."

"Uwaah! Amazing! But… why a gym..?"

"You didn't have those muscles, last time."

"…Oh…"

"Combat training with him and Urahara," Rukia explained. "Except _he's_ the one who keeps getting himself nearly killed."

"Well Urahara can be pretty rough."

"Not Urahara."

"Huh..?" Rangiku followed the pointing fingers to one embarrassed Orihime. "EEEH?! Orihime, you're a Dominatrix?!"

"UWAAAAAH?!"

Plop.

......

"**She's up!**"

"Huh..?" Orihime blinked her eyes again, confused. "Wha..?"

"You fainted," Rukia said simply. "You can thank Matsumoto for that, the little…"

Oh yeah, the Dominatrix thing… Which she was not! No, no, no!

"Oi, Inoue!"

"Ha-hai!"

"Are you okay or not?"

"Hai!"

"Are you sure?"

"Hai!"

"Let's take a walk, anyway."

"Okay… But where'd Rangiku-chan and Momo-chan go?"

"Matsumoto left an hour ago."

"Re-really?! How long was I asleep?!"

"About an hour."

"Oh…"

Toshiro nearly slammed the door open?!

"Out the back now," he said.

"What's going on..?"

"Aizen's coming." The displeasure was palpable.

"Shit… Inoue, Hikarei, MOVE!!!"

They avoided any windows facing the front yard, and heard some strains of a very excited, if not awkward, Momo. Rukia eased the back door open, listening, yes Aizen was still in the front with Momo… "Go," Rukia hissed.

"Aizen," Toshiro said from the front door. "Why are you here?" He was straining to be civil. Hikarei charged forward, wind drowning out Aizen's response. Inoue tightened her grip, looking back to see Rukia going around the house before the trees hid it all from view.

She sighed, looking forward to see the Pokémon watching them pass. A small herd of Stantler, a curious Furret, a family of Pidgey, an Alakazam—an Alakazam?!

It narrowed its eyes at her, exchanging a glance with the most gorgeous Ninetails she had ever seen… Ninetails, too? Orihime craned her neck as Hikarei kept running, and nearly got smacked by a passing Dragonair for her efforts. Dragonair, too? What was up with this forest?

There wasn't a Gyarados by the waterfall, thank goodness, and Orihime was soon perched on the damp cave floor. So now she was hiding from Sosuke-kun, too. She hated that, all of it. And damn it, if she wanted to sing, she'd sing.

"Tale as old as time…" she began softly, gradually picking up volume and not realizing just how much the cave would amplify it to the outside. "Both a little scared, neither one prepared…"

"Beauty and the beast…"

…Nani? Orihime hadn't realized that someone had heard her, and the waterfall would have kept even Hikarei from sensing danger… She silently berated herself, slowly moving to the waterfall beside Hikarei, and…

"HIME!!!" Chizuru erupted through the water, spinning Orihime into a wild embrace and eliciting pure shock.

"Chi-Chizuru-chan?!" Orihime gaped at her friend in nothing less than shock. Way out here? She had… how? How had she..?

Orihime gave up her inward questioning, just glad to see her friend, again. "I've missed you so much!" Chizuru gushed. "I was so worried about you when that horrible man kidnapped you and you vanished right off the planet and I've been looking EVERYWHERE for you!!!"

"I-I've missed you, too, Chizuru-chan… What're you doing out here?"

"Having a picnic!"

"A picnic?!"

"Yeah! Care to join me?! We have so much to talk about!"

"SURE!" C'mon, Hikarei-chan!"

Chizuru lead them to a stream-side tree, a blanket laid out on the grass and held down by a wicker picnic basket. Out came sandwiches and bananas and cherries and cake and Pokémon chow and two bottles of apple juice and it looked soooo good…

And so they exchanged stories and jokes and this was really good apple juice and Chizuru took a vow to protect her from anyone who would try to hurt her and this was really good apple juice and Hikarei had started napping in the sun and this was really good apple juice and she and Chizuru were kissing and that was really good…

End of chapter.

_Don't drink the apple juice!!! Oh, come _on_, it was so obvious among all of those innuendo foods. Well, except for the Pokémon chow, but that was just there to be laced with sedatives to keep Hikarei from protecting Orihime. And what shall happen, now that the fair maiden has taken the queen's potion?_

_Find out whenever I post, again._

_*: Nippontō are Japanese, typically _curved_ blades. I love innuendos._


	5. HeighHo!

_**Warning**__: This fanfic crosses every sexual line that I could think of, without writing of the actual acts of lemon or lime. Please do not read if you would be offended; please do not flame; please do not come crying to me if you don't like it._

_After this, there is no way that I will __ever own any rights to _Bleach_, its poor defenseless characters, or any merchandising rights whatsoever. Same for _Pokémon_. Yes, _Pokémon. _That said, here is chapter five._

......

_**I**_chigo was worried. He had no idea why; but whenever he got this feeling, something bad tended to happen—

"ICHIGO!!!"

"Rukia—?" She ran by and grabbed him, and kept running. "WHAT THE HELL?!"

"They got her!"

"Nani—"

"The bastards got to Inoue while she was in the woods, and now she's back at the castle!"

Ichigo's mind went blank. He started running alongside Rukia, until he realized that he'd need his gear to be of any use. "Oi, Rukia, we need to go by my house—"

"I know."

They were here. Damn, he hadn't even realized where they were running! Shaking his head, he charged in through the front door, dodged his dad's punch, told Yuzu he'd be late for dinner, grabbed the Hammerspace bag being held out by Karin, called Hoya, and ran back out the door. He grabbed Rukia, jumped onto Hoya's back, and waved over his shoulder when Karin called for him not to get killed.

"Huh."

"What?"

"You can go pretty quickly when you need to."

"Che, of course. This is Inoue we're talking about. Now what the Hell happened?"

Rukia bit her lip. "We're not completely sure. We had a safe place set up for her to hide out at whenever we got the rare visitor, and I know that she went there when Aizen came to visit. I saw her out the back, and I know that Aizen couldn't have seen her through the house."

"Aizen? The guy who runs Las Noches?"

"The one who bought out Seireitei and loaned out the bouncer who was _supposed_ to take Inoue to the Queen in the first place."

"You think he was in on it?"

"Probably. If they had somehow figured out where she was hiding, he would have been the perfect decoy, and a reason for us to let Inoue out of our sight."

"And you're sure they got her?"

"They left Hikarei. We found her knocked out by the hideout, the trail already two hours old."

"T-two _hours_?! You left Inoue out there for a couple hours?!"

"Aizen stayed for a couple hours. And if any of us had left for any reason when he of all people showed up, he'd naturally be suspicious!"

"Unless he already knew."

"Yeah. And his right-hand man Gin came by awhile back; that was probably when they found the waterfall."

"Wait, waterfall?"

"There's a cave behind a waterfall fifteen minutes from the house. It's where we hid her, since nobody goes out there besides some of us."

"So how could they have figured it out?"

"We don't know. One of them could have had a Pokémon follow her. There are plenty of wild ones around the house, and one more would hardly be suspicious."

"So how do you know Inoue's at the castle?"

"Hikarei tracked her there and refused to leave. Miharu stayed with her so that we'll know if they move her."

Hoya whined. He'd really become attached to the Arcanine, just as Ichigo had to Inoue. Strange, how quickly it had happened. It had taken years to strengthen most of his other friendships, but here he was defying the _Queen_ to save a girl he'd only known for two months. And only spent real time with for the second one. While getting his _ass kicked_ by her. What the Hell! Still, a friend was a friend, and Inoue was Inoue, and…

"Oi, Ichigo!"

"Huh?"

"Stop zoning out! I was saying that we're forming a team of you, me, and—"

"Hey, guys!"

"Arisawa?!"

Sure enough, the Knight rode up alongside on her Dodrio to wave at the two. "Hey, I just got back! How've you been?"

"Uhm… It's complicated…" She'd be perfect to help, but how could he tell her…

"Any word on Orihime?"

The hope in her voice was so thinly hidden.

"Ah…"

"Oh, yeah," Rukia said darkly. "Come on, I'll explain on the way."

......

"Wait, _**what?!**_" Tatsuki demanded, rounding her Dodrio around to cut them off. "What did you just say?!"

"You heard me," Rukia said. "The Queen tried to force Inoue to get a sex change so that she could marry her, and has finally succeeded in kidnapping her."

Tatsuki looked ready to punch something. This was her boss, her _queen_, for God's sake. How could she believe that… "I'll kill her."

"Eh?"

"I'm gonna murder that bitch of a Queen, so let's get moving now!"

"Get out of the way," Rukia told her, "and we'll get the rest of the rescue party."

Growling, Tatsuki complied. "_Chizuru… I should've stopped this months ago…_"

"Huh?" What had Tatsuki just said?

"Arisawa-san?" Rukia asked.

"Huh? Oh, no, I just should've stopped her from seeing Orihime when it first became obvious how crazy she was."

"She-she and Inoue met?! It sounded like Inoue had no idea about her—"

"She doesn't," Tatsuki said simply. "But the Queen likes to sneak out of the castle and have fun at some of the clubs. Remember the crazy lesbian that always hit on Orihime at the Seireitei?"

"Yeah, that was…"

"Chizuru."

"THAT WAS QUEEN CHIZURU?!"

"With a pink wig and fake glasses; she hadn't even changed her name, so it was obvious. And besides, everyone knows the Queen is a lesbian."

"And so she asked you to keep the secret?" Rukia guessed.

"No, she didn't know I knew. But I didn't rat her out, since I figured even royalty wants to have fun. But if that let her get _this_ obsessive over Orihime… It was blatant harassment, but… I didn't think she'd…"

"Hey," Ichigo told her. "You figured out who it was. That's more than anyone else can say. Now let's go get Inoue back."

Arisawa smirked and nodded.

......

"So we all know the plan?" Toshiro asked.

Everyone nodded. They would sneak in at strategic locations while a main group sought a direct audience with the Queen. Tatsuki was a Knight, so it wasn't expected to be an issue. It meant that Ichigo couldn't take his Zangetsu, but he'd live. There were always fallbacks.

Rukia let Chappy back into the Pokéball, not wanting to put too much burden on Hoya. She hopped on behind Ichigo, Tatsuki saddled grimly beside them. Her Dodrio Kazemaru stood at the ready. Jinta and Ururu were on a Skarmory sent by Urahara, Momo and Rangiku had enlisted some local Stantler, and Toshiro insisted on operating solely with Hyorinmaru. Scary kid, having a Dragonair…

And thus they made the thirty-minute journey through the last leg of the woods, into what was now enemy territory for the sake of a friend.

......

"Well I'll be…" an eavesdropper murmured, rubbing the head of his partner. "We outta do sumthin', ne, Hisou?"

The Ninetails glanced up at him, eyes clearly reading, "No shit, Sherlock."

End of chapter.

_**Please**__ tell me that you know who the eavesdropper is. You can do it when you review, which would be greatly appreciated. So I know that this chapter wasn't as funny or interesting, but I don't write my "We must get ready for battle" segments that way. And, yes, I am fully aware that I'm now twisting Snow White and the "Rescue Orihime" stories together. I'm trying to make the story more serious, and I may or may not succeed in humor along the way. Kinda funny irony, ne?_


	6. A Girl Worth Fighting For

_**Warning**__: This fanfic crosses every sexual line that I could think of, without writing of the actual acts of lemon or lime. Please do not read if you would be offended; please do not flame; please do not come crying to me if you don't like it._

_After this, there is no way that I will __ever own any rights to _Bleach_, its poor defenseless characters, or any merchandising rights whatsoever. Same for _Pokémon_. Yes, _Pokémon. _That said, here is chapter two._

......

_**T**_he castle was huge, white, and surrounded by guards. Ichigo was thus treacherously thankful that their group was going in the front door. He swallowed the lump in his throat as they approached the gate, Tatsuki going before and showing no fear.

"Welcome back," one of the guards, Rose, waved. "How was Germany, Tatsuki?"

"Okay," she shrugged. "I picked up some info regarding Schiffer from these two, and I thought it best if they see the Queen about it, themselves."

"Awesome." Love stuck a thumb towards the open gate, hand on Shonen Jump instead of his sword. "Good luck in there, dude."

Ichigo paused, wondering what he meant by that.

"Chizuru hates straight men," Rose explained. "Your best bet is not to say anything."

"Thanks." Actions spoke louder than words, anyway. They dismounted at the gate, and Tatsuki led them onward. When a stable girl tried to take Kazemaru, she shook her head and explained that Kazemaru still had too much energy to stop walking. Hoya and Chappy just refused to leave their humans' sides, and they were lucky that Chizuru was so lax with guests. She was also supposedly in a great mood, today. That was when Tatsuki's eyes had turned more than a little dangerous.

It was actually amazing how calmly the Knight could dupe people clearly her friends, even when the rest of the group was sneaking in as they made their way to the throne room.

"Hey," Hiyori waved. "You wanna see the Queen, Tat?"

"Yeah. It's pretty important information I got on the way back."

"Gotcha."

…That was right. This _was_ important information that she had gotten on her way back. Tatsuki hadn't been outright lying; only twisted the truth. Ichigo's respect for Inoue's best friend was growing in leaps and bounds.

"It's gonna be a minute," Hiyori told them as she replaced the curtain before the door. "Pretty urgent business."

None of them missed the eye-roll.

It would be five minutes until they were allowed inside, at which point Ichigo had to restrain himself from jumping the dais on the spot. There perched Queen Chizuru, not an inch of her visible as the psychotic lesbian that had taken Inoue for her selfishly twisted reasons. Surprisingly wavy brown hair had been hidden beneath that wig, green eyes so much more brilliant without the glasses, snow white dress more than a little reminiscent of the class divide.

"Ah, the valiant Knight Tatsuki," Chizuru smiled. "Welcome back! How was Germany?"

"Beautiful, my Queen." Tatsuki swallowed bile, surviving only because of habitualized manners. "I spent almost all of my spare time searching for Orihime, though."

"Yes, I know that you two are close."

Those eyes had a secret.

"I…" Tatsuki barely hesitated. "I actually heard that she was just now found, and is here at the palace." She looked into Chizuru's shocked eyes, trying to remember the hope that she had hidden when first asking Ichigo and Rukia about her missing friends. The hope that she would see her best friend, again. "Is it true?"

"Where… where did you hear that?"

"In the streets. I know it's just gossip, but still I…"

"_Aizen_," Chizuru growled under her breath. Then she remembered her guests, and knew that she had given it away. "Yes, we just found her today, in the woods. Right under our noses, really. But I didn't want everybody jumping all over it, yet, and here my helper went and spilled the beans…" She sounded less than thrilled.

"May I see her?" Tatsuki more demanded than asked.

Chizuru weighed the question, clearly aware that all Hell would break loose if she refused. But if she gave up now, there would be no telling if she could keep her hold on a girl who had never wanted this. Ichigo was actually surprised when she gave the answer of "Of course. You two are so close, after all. Lisa, could you please call for Orihime?"

"Yes, your highness," Lisa nodded before slipping behind a tapestry and through the doorway behind.

Chizuru sighed, smiling down at the two girls before her. "Heaven knows what a stressful month it's been. I was sure that Ulquiorra carried Hime-chan to some distant mountain range, and we'd never find her. That he told her such a horrible lie to convince her was just too much."

"Lie?" Tatsuki echoed.

"Oh, yes," Chizuru replied, blushing. "He told her this disgusting lie to convince her to go with him; I don't dare say it in polite company."

Tatsuki's eyes were wide, and Ichigo could feel some doubt. How reliable had Ulquiorra really been? Not very, according to the others.

"It's always the quiet ones," Chizuru sighed. "We were lucky, though, that Hime-chan didn't let herself be tricked into going with him. She ran off on her own, and was actually sheltered by this group of people living in the forest. Right under our noses the whole time… I'll really have to thank those people, someday."

Did she _know_ what turmoil she was planting in them? They had armed fighters sneaking around in the castle right now, and there was a chance that the Queen was _innocent_?! Ichigo's head was still turning over the ensuing can of worms when Lisa announced the arrival of one Inoue Orihime.

Ichigo's head shot up as she walked in, and he only had one thought.

_Hell._

......

The infiltration had gone smoothly. In a country so peaceful as this, it was no surprise that security was light. Toshiro let Hyorinmaru slip through the blind spots, eyes scanning every angle as he gripped the smooth-scaled Pokémon. Hopefully the operation would go as expected, but he held no real expectations for it to do so. With Aizen involved, that was far too much to hope for.

......

Jinta and Ururu were quick to find Urahara and Tessai, and made short work of anyone unlucky enough to question them. Which tended to be most people; when would Urahara figure out that fans couldn't blow away that much suspicion?

......

Momo and Rangiku left the Stantler grazing in the forest, but not before thanking them. A successful getaway could easily require ready rides. They made short work of questioning guards, none of which were truly a challenge. Fainting at the sight of such an impressive rack, really? It wasn't until Rangiku was buttoning her shirt up that she got a suspicious feeling, but even then she kept going before more came.

......

Their stalker shook his head, trying to remove the blush that had threatened to erupt into a full-blown nosebleed. Thank _God_ he was used to that.

Hisou shook his head, mostly to mock his human. Thank _God_ he was a Pokémon.

......

"What the Hell're you trying to pull?!" Tatsuki demanded.

"Huh?" Chizuru cocked her head. "What are you talking about?"

"If you're so concerned about her, why the Hell would you have a spell on her?" Rukia glared.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Chizuru huffed. "I honored your request to see her, since you're so close, Tatsuki, but this is quite improper."

"Her eyes're blank, for Christ's sake," Ichigo glared. "And she's not reacting to _any_ of this!"

"She's probably still traumatized by the whole ordeal," Chizuru glared right back. She really did hate men.

"I saw her this morning, and she was fine," Rukia growled.

"You huh?"

"I saw her this morning," Rukia said. "At my house. Where she has been living for the past month. She was _fine_. And not wearing that _thing_."

God, Ichigo had to glare at Chizuru, if only to avoid looking at Inoue's clothing—or lack thereof. He had _never_ seen her wear a top that showed cleavage, never mind that much. Or a skirt that high up, nor was she a belly dancer. Jeez.

"Yo-you're the one who was taking care of Hime-chan?"

"One of them, yes. The only thing that traumatized her was what _you_ tried to do to her."

Chizuru stiffened. "So you all know the lie that Ulquiorra told her."

"We know what he told her," Tatsuki said, "but the more I see the more I believe him."

"Yeah," Rukia nodded. "Otherwise you wouldn't have had to knock out Hikarei."

"For your information," Chizuru blushed, "I have my father's permission to marry a woman and still keep my throne. The bloodline will continue through an adopted child. Why, then, would I try to force a sex change on someone so pure and kind as Hime-chan?" She hugged the stone-still girl, who for the first time reacted by placing a pale hand on Chizuru's arm and leaning in. "See, it's all fine!"

"Oi, Inoue," Ichigo called. Something flickered in the girl's otherwise slate-flat eyes, but it wasn't enough to make her move. "Inoue!"

"She's mine, male," Chizuru called. "Back off."

"Orihime doesn't _belong_ to anyone," Tatsuki growled.

"And she's clearly reacting to the spell," Rukia pointed out. "Not you."

Chizuru glared daggers.

"So drop the act and let her go," Ichigo told her. "Before we take her."

"Hell yeah." Tatsuki flexed her fingers, each hand hovering over a Pokéball.

"I will never let you take my Hime!" Chizuru decreed. "Nothing can defeat my love!"

"Yeah?!"

"Yeah! And to prove it, I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL!" Chizuru whipped out a golden deck box, holding it out with a literal flaming aura.

"YOU'RE ON!" All three drew their decks as the room morphed and the arena appeared.

"It's tag team," Chizuru declared, "and each side gets 7,000 life points. Every time one of you loses at least 2,000, the next one has to step up. First side to run out of members or Life Points loses."

"Fine. I'm up first," Tatsuki declared, taking the platform.

"I'll be back, Hime," Chizuru smiled. Inoue smiled an unfocused smile, again reacting to the spell and not the person. Ichigo growled low in his throat, eyes on the normally bright-eyed girl until Chizuru claimed first draw. And the Heart of the Cards, which made Ichigo want to throw something at her.

Then, the duel began.

......

God dammit. As soon as Chizuru had gotten The Lovely Venus on the field, Tatsuki had been all but powerless. Chizuru only took 2400 so that she could crush everyone in turn.

"I'll go next," Rukia told Ichigo. "I don't think that I will fail, but you'll be our ace if I do."

Ichigo nodded, and his eyes again drifted across to Inoue. He'd been trying to reach her somehow, but it had just been fail after fail. She didn't react to anything, even when her eyes supposedly met his. Dammit.

Tatsuki stood beside him, eyes on the same girl. "Orihime…"

"We'll get her back," Ichigo said.

"Yeah," Tatsuki nodded.

"Oi, Inoue!" Ichigo called across the arena. Her blank eyes drifted up to his, which was an improvement. "Get ready to clubbing, again!"

If that had any effect, he was too far away to see it. Tatsuki, meanwhile, had snorted.

"What?"

"Nice line, cheeseball."

"Urusai," Ichigo sighed, glancing across the arena again as Rukia made her first move.

… There really _was_ such a thing as a rabbit deck. Wow.

......

Shit, shit, shit. Ichigo continued down his list of curses as Rukia stepped down from the platform, defeat heavy on her shoulders. Still, she managed to nod and take his spot beside Tatsuki as he made his way to the platform. Inoue watched quietly, never moving anything but her eyes, but this in itself was a vast improvement.

Ichigo set his deck in place, shouldering the 2300 Life Points that they still had left. He was facing Chizuru's 9800, thanks in no small part to five Dian Ketos. Stupid magic card. Hopefully his fiend deck could do something about this, odds or otherwise. At the very least, he could get rid of that stupid Venus card.

......

One hundred life points left. He still had one hundred life points left, but it didn't matter. He had lost 2200 Life Points. More than 2000. He was out, and Inoue was doomed to—

"I win," Chizuru declared. "You have nobody left on your side, and I have my Hime~!"

Inoue. Ichigo couldn't bear to look at the disappointment that must have hardened onto Rukia or Tatsuki's faces, and he could barely make himself look at the friend who he'd failed. Inoue… She wasn't there! When—!

"Orihime!" Tatsuki cried.

"I'll take Kurosaki-kun's place."

Ichigo turned, stunned, to see none other than Inoue Orihime making her way up the steps of his platform. Her eyes were clear, focused, like any day in combat training.

"Na-what-how-" Chizuru babbled. "Hime~!"

"I'm sorry, Chizuru-chan," Inoue said quietly. "But I don't like girls like that. Let's finish this." She pulled out her deck from that tiny backpack as Ichigo took his, and she paused to look up at him; gray eyes sparkling, a light blush on her cheeks. "Arigatou, Kurosaki-kun."

"Yeah. Good luck." He put a hand on her shoulder, a gesture normally reserved for his sisters, before moving down the stairs.

"Arigatou," Orihime said again, before drawing her cards. "I summon Winged Kuriboh in attack mode."

"A what?!" Rukia cried in disbelief. Inoue _did _know what she was fighting for, right?!

"And combine it with the spell card Deus Ex Machina! Winged Kuriboh, OBLITERATE!"

"THAT MAKES NO SENSE!!!" Chizuru cried as her life points plummeted to zero.

"Tell it to the author," Orihime told her. "Gomen, Chizuru-chan, but I don't think the Heart of the Cards works for people using mind control."

Chizuru collapsed to her knees as the castle tower chimed one o'clock. Orihime took her deck and practically flew down the stairs to meet Tatsuki in a hug. It was over, it was over, she could go home and be normal and social again!!! Rukia charged into the hug as well, all three laughing and even Kurosaki-kun smiling at her. When it finally stopped, she was dizzy from all the spinning. Wow, her clothes weren't hers. She'd have to get hers back… Shouldn't the room should have stopped spinning by now?

"Inoue?" Why did Kurosaki-kun sound so far away? "Oi, Inoue! You okay?!"

She wanted to tell him that she was fine, but her tongue had stopped obeying her, and so had her legs, and she was sinking into some dark place, her knees lowered to the floor… She just had the presence of mind to feel Kurosaki-kun's arms grasping her and her head on his chest, and see his face calling her from somewhere…

"Oi, Inoue!" Ichigo shook the girl, but it was no good. She was out cold. Was this an effect of the potion?

"Hey, Chizuru, the Hell'd you do to her?" Tatsuki demanded.

"I-I don't know! Is she breathing?! Hime-chan!"

Neither Rukia nor Tatsuki let Chizuru anywhere near Inoue. Still, Ichigo held her that much closer with his free arm as he laid her on the ground, making a sure check of her vitals. "Her breathing and heart rate are slower than normal, but nowhere near critical."

Everybody sighed in relief. Maybe it was just an aftereffect of resisting the potion, then. She'd be back on her feet in no time, in all likelihood.

"Such a pity…" a new voice sighed.

Everybody turned to the door, where a man with a white suit, wavy brown hair, and glasses stood beside Hiyori. Who was on the ground, unconscious.

"Aizen?" Rukia and Chizuru asked simultaneously.

"Why are you here?" Chizuru continued.

"Oh, well, I'm just here to rescue the crown."

"What?"

"I have decided that you are too young for this position, Chizuru, and so I am here to relieve you of it."

"What the Hell gives you the right to make such tall orders?" Chizuru demanded.

"Isn't that the right of a father?"

"…Father?"

"Yes," he said, removing his glasses to meet her eyes. "As in, Chizuru, I am your father."

End of chapter.

_I know. I did that. Aizen is still a magnificent bastard here, unfortunately for the rest of the cast. No, I will not have them fight using more anime-style Yu-Gi-Oh! duels, thank you very much. Aizen finds himself to be above such things. Being gay does not change that, but this is enough nonsense to make a review appreciated. Thank you!_


	7. My Lullaby

_After this, there is no way that I will __ever own any rights to _Bleach_, its poor defenseless characters, or any merchandising rights whatsoever. Same for _Pokémon_. Yes, _Pokémon. _That said, here is chapter seven._

_**T**_he room was silent, all eyes turned to stare between Aizen and an obviously shocked Chizuru. The resemblance was obvious, but…

"You can't be serious," the queen growled. "I know my father; he's the King, for peat's sake!"

"Yes, your _adopted_ father."

"The Hell would he adopt?"

"Because he's sterile."

Wait, wa-huh?

"You know how it is with the royal lines. So much inbreeding, it's only to be expected that someone would be impotent. To solve the problem, he made a request of a distant, unaffected relative."

"How could you have had a kid?" Chizuru demanded. "You're gay!"

"I was bisexual at the time. So this and that was arranged between me and the queen, you came about, and you inherited the throne."

Chizuru wanted to throw up. It was obvious.

"And, now, here I am to place the crown into deserving hands."

"You and what army?" Chizuru demanded.

"The one that used some earlier break-ins to infiltrate."

Earlier break-ins? No way…

"What break-ins?" Chizuru demanded.

Three people and their Pokémon were shifting uncomfortably, trying to spot a way to sneak out of.

"These three were the distraction," Aizen explained, "while Rukia's housemates searched the palace for Orihime. How ironic, that the distraction actually succeeded."

Chizuru glared daggers at said three, before they fell upon Orihime.

"Still more ironic, though, is that she is now slipping beyond anybody's reach."

"Dammit," Ichigo hissed, gripping the unconscious girl's shoulder.

"How do we save her?" Chizuru demanded.

"Why, Chizuru," he asked patiently, "how should I know?"

"Because you gave me the potion in the first place!"

"And I fed you bad sauerkraut when you were a year old. Is there a point?"

"WHAT HAS THAT GOT TO DO WITH ANYTHING?" Chapter One.

"But everyone knows that that turns someone evil for sixteen years," Rukia said. "Wait, isn't tomorrow the queen's seventeenth birthday?"

"So, what?" Ichigo snapped. "She'll be nice and normal, tomorrow?"

"What an interesting coincidence," Aizen noted.

"Why do I doubt that highly?" Tatsuki poured sarcasm all over the question.

"YOU DELIBERATELY TURNED ME EVIL?" Chizuru demanded.

"Well, more specifically," Aizen said, "I deliberately turned you evil on the day before you officially turned one year old. At your daily feeding of one o'clock."

"What time is it?" Tatsuki whispered.

Ichigo glanced at his watch. "1:07."

"The clock chimed when Inoue won," Rukia elaborated. "How long does it take to feed a baby sauerkraut?"

"I'd give it seven minutes," Tatsuki said.

"Why?"

Chizuru had straightened, somehow much more regal than before. "Sosuke Aizen, by order of the Queen, you are to stand down. Any soldiers on the grounds must vacate at once, and terms of your banishment will be put forth shortly."

Yeah, definitely seven minutes.

"And if I refuse?"

"You will be made to do so. Lily!"

"Jinx!"

Aizen barely leaped out of the way in time, Pokémon quick on his heels.

_She would have a Jinx…_ Tatsuki inwardly grumbled.

"Suigestu," Aizen smirked.

"Alakazam!"

Rukia swore. "You two."

"Huh?"

"Yeah?"

"Which one do you want to win?"

"What?"

"Of these two, which would you rather see on the throne?"

"A psycho lesbian who tried to force Orihime into marriage and is suddenly supposed to be good, or a slimy gay who deliberately turned his kid evil to steal the throne in sixteen years." Tatsuki turned over the contestants in her mind, really liking neither. "Damn, tough call."

"Really is," Ichigo nodded. Truth be told, Chizuru would be the better bet. But come _on_, nobody could expect them to suddenly rally behind her, could they?

"Well, I already dislike Aizen. And considering my family…" Rukia sighed, and motioned Chappy to follow.

"Oi, Rukia!"

"Lily!"

Chizuru ran to her Jinx, who by this point had been beaten into a wall.

"This is the disadvantage of going it alone," Aizen sighed. "Except I didn't have to call out another teammate to beat you."

Chizuru growled low under her breath, wondering if her Rapidash could arrive from the stables in time. Even if she could, could she take this Alakazam? When her psychic-type Jinx couldn't?

"Chappy, use Ice Beam!"

"Deflect it."

"Alakazam!" It blocked the onslaught, glaring down the Wigglytuff. Chappy didn't back down.

"Rukia-chan…" Chizuru breathed. "You still…"

"So you're going with your position's loyalties, Kuchiki Rukia?" Aizen smiled.

"Position?" Tatsuki asked. "Wait, Kuchiki?" _As in Kuchiki-__**taichou**__?_

"Oi, Rukia!"

"Shinigami Operative Kuchiki Rukia." She said it as if it alone answered everything before resuming the battle, leaving Ichigo extremely confused.

"The Hell's a Shinigami Operative?"

"They're the covert ops," Tatsuki whispered. "Like the CIA. For her to be one is… Wait, then why the Hell'd you fight the _queen _alongside us?"

"Don't get me wrong," Rukia called. "I had the full intention of rescuing Inoue."

"But now you get to renew your real allegiance," Aizen smirked. "And just to be safe… Suigetsu, finish them all."

"Alakazam."

Before the others could so much as blink, all three Pokémon still on their feet were hurled into the far wall.

"Hoya!"

"Kazemaru!"

"Chappy!"

"WHAT THE HELL!" Ichigo shouted.

"WE HADN'T EVEN PICKED A SIDE!" Tatsuki glared.

"Your leanings were obvious," Aizen stated. "I was simply taking precautions, and now…"

"Hyorinmaru, body slam!"

A Dragonair swooped down from above, knocking Aizen's Alakazam right into him.

"Toshiro?"

Rukia saluted, trying to keep the smirk off her face.

Toshiro saluted back. "Hyorinmaru…"

"Suigetsu, if you please."

The Alakazam, down but not out, lifted a spoon into the air. Toshiro braced for attack.

The main door creaked open, and in walked…

"HINAMORI!"

"Are you sure that you wish to attack?" Aizen asked, holding the unconscious girl as the psychic control dropped. "She may not survive in her current state."

"Dammit…"

"That dirty…"

"I do suppose that I should thank her, though," Aizen smiled. "Thank you, Hinamori-kun, for giving me the location of Orihime's hiding place."

"Wait, what?"

"Momo would never!" Rukia declared. The girl may have had a monster crush on Aizen, but surely she'd never betray them!

Toshiro was strangely quiet. Observing everything, and then his eyes fell upon Suigetsu. "She told me she saw an Alakazam in the forest."

"Oh, she had a run-in with Suigetsu?"

"I'm sure it was a HELL of a run-in," Toshiro growled. "You had it read her memories, didn't you?"

"Oh, well, if you want to believe that…" He had the look of a discovered snake. "What shall you do now?"

A growling behemoth swept in, snatching the Momo from Aizen's surprised arms. Hikarei kept right on going, lowering her only when coming to Orihime. Panting, she gave a low whine and turned downcast eyes up to Ichigo.

"Hikarei…"

The Arcanine nuzzled Orihime before maneuvering her onto her back.

"Get these two out of here," Ichigo sighed as he positioned the girls onto the Arcanine's back.

Hikarei nodded, and ran from the throne room as Hyorinmaru fired an ice beam.

"Kyouka," Aizen said. A pillar of fire erupted from the ceiling, and through the hole flew… A Ho-Oh? Aizen had a &*% Ho-Oh? Sure enough, it lowered its neck so that he could straddle it and rise to Toshiro's eye level. "Are you ready, Hitsugaya-taichou?"

Toshiro growled, staring at the legendary Pokémon before him. "Bring it on."

Shit, that thing was fast!

Shit, this was bad. Rangiku kept running, eyes intent on the throne room. Whatever the Hell Aizen thought he was doing, why did he have to abduct Momo? She cursed under her breath and forced herself to go even faster, Ash adjusting her pace as well. The Persian was also listening, ears always alert for the next enemy. She didn't have to listen for long. Whatever was happening in the throne room, it sounded like a Hell of a battle.

And it was—wait, was that a Ho-Oh? Aizen was supposed to have an Alakazam! When had he—

Hyorinmaru pivoted in midair, barely dodging the flames from the much bigger Pokémon. Ash growled, hair bristling at the sight of the legendary. Rangiku made a quick sweep of the room, noting the injured Pokémon and grim-looking spectators.

Ash growled again, much louder than before. Rangiku turned on her heel, to the sight of invading soldiers. In white. Who worked for _Las Noches_.

Shit.

"Intruders!" Rangiku called. Everybody but Aizen jumped, watching in something akin to shock as doors throughout the throne room burst open to reveal white-garbed soldiers. All employees from _Las Noches_, to boot.

Aizen, indeed, had amassed an army.

"How many did he sneak in?" Rukia growled.

"More than enough to be trouble," Tatsuki replied. "They're all armed."

"Great." Ichigo wished for his Zangetsu. If only Hoya could fight—

The great Houndoom strode up to stand beside him, muscles tensed for battle. He smirked at Ichigo's stunned face before head-butting him in the chest. His human's fingers scratched between his horns on autopilot, mind wondering at his partner's speedy recovery—

"The Hell're you doing up," Kazemaru?" Tatsuki asked with that same look of surprise. The answer came with the sight of Chizuru's Jinx standing over Chappy and using something that looked suspiciously like Cure.

"I always keep some Superpotion on hand," the queen explained, not asking why they hadn't been prepared.

"Mine ran dry on the field," Tatsuki admitted. "Sorry, Kazemaru."

The bird shrugged, and the warm fuzzies were cut short as Rukia was hugging Chappy.

**End of chapter.**

_Not as good, not as funny, and not nearly on the level of Aizen's canon Xanatos Gambits in presentation, but I did enjoy the sauerkraut. How long __**would**__ it take to feed a baby sauerkraut, anyway? Probably more than seven minutes, but oh well. Anywhoo, I don't want to do another chapter until I get feedback on this one (I may want to re-tool it), so please do something more akin to a genuine review…_

_PS: I am indeed back, there will be another chapter following, but it will probably be several more weeks before the next chapter. Finals and "The World Outside" are currently eating my life._


	8. The Circle of Life

_I'm back! And after this, there is **seriously **no way that I will __ever own any rights to _Bleach_, its poor defenseless characters, or any merchandising rights whatsoever. Same for _Pokémon_, _Yu-Gi-Oh!, _and something that I'll mention at the end of the chapter._

_**H**_o-Oh brought a great wing crashing down upon Dragonair, smashing it bodily into the air and throwing Toshiro from his mount.

"Taichō!" Rangiku leapt to catch him, skidding to a halt before Ho-Oh pursued. Ichigo watched them carefully, waiting for a chance to join the fray. A low dip on Aizen's part, a moment of weakness...

But it never came. Instead, a particularly powerful gust knocked Rangiku off of her feet and back into the wall, jet of flame speeding forward. Would Aizen really _kill _her?

No question. He was doing it right now, and there was no _time…_

Another flame burned without warning, counteracting the first and covering Rangiku long enough for someone to help her and an unconscious Toshiro out of the blast zone. Wait, that was…

Beside him, Ichigo heard a disbelieving intake of air. Rukia looked incredulous.

"Gin," Rangiku smirked. He smiled back, not quite the creepy grin they were all used to. Beside him, a Ninetails was rolling its eyes.

Somehow, Aizen was smiling in its stead. "Gin," he greeted his supposedly right hand man.

"Sosuke," Gin smiled in return.

Everybody else not Rangiku looked between them in the ensuing silence until someone finally had to ask. "What the crap is this?"

"Ah, Hiyori," Aizen just smiled. "You're awake."

"Yeah, I'm awake. You! Foxface! You're supposed to be his right hand man! Of all the 414 things I can think of to have blocked that blast, why _you_?"

"I'm his girlfriend?" Rangiku asked, waving. "And he's been working with us the whole time?"

"I didn't know this," Rukia protested.

"Neither did Momo," Aizen noted. Hitsugaya had regained consciousness in time to glare.

"Where'd the number 414 come from, anyway?" Rangiku asked, completely off-topic.

"Who cares?" Hiyori glared. "The point is, if you had a double agent, why the Hell didn't you guys stop this sooner?"

"This way we caught him in the act," Gin shrugged. "And it's not like anybody died."

"True," Aizen smirked. "Although Orihime may not be too far away…"

"BASTARD!" Ichigo and Hoya sprang, flamethrower in full swing.

"Idiot!" Rukia screamed.

"You're supposed to shout, 'Leeroy Jenkins!'" Gin called.

Just for that, Hisou lit his shoe on fire.

Kyoka looked down at the flame-thrower it dodged with a condescending eye before sending a return volley. Ichigo gripped Hoya's neck as he dodged the blast and resumed the charge.

The heroes were promptly picked up by a Skarmory.

"The Hell?" Ichigo demanded. Jinta didn't answer, and instead jumped down onto Hoya's head, glared down at Ichigo, and hit him on the head.

"What stupid move're you gonna do next?" Jinta demanded. "Shout 'For Pony'?"

"Yeah? Well someone's gotta fight him!"

"Who do you think you are, The Hero? You can't even beat Orihime!"

Tatsuki's brain looked like it had imploded. Rukia was trying her hardest not to snigger, Rangiku was explaining to Gin and Hiyori, Chizuru had burst out laughing, Ho-Oh had burst out laughing, the army was laughing their asses off, Gin and Rangiku's laughter was bouncing off the walls, Hiyori looked about to die from cackling, Hisou had cracked a smile, Aizen was giving him this look of insincere pity…

"**BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA~! SERIOUSLY?"** Tatsuki fell to the ground clutching her sides, armor denting the tiles and sending up horrible screeches as she rolled on the ground.

Ichigo flushed, looked at Hoya, pulled out his Zangetsu from a plot hole, and chucked it at Aizen.

Who dodged by tilting his head, which saved him from getting headshot.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Ichigo shouted.

"URAHARA?" Tatsuki shouted.

"Sorry, sorry," Urahara smiled, eyes invisible. "I just wanted to try just shooting him…"

"Not that," Ichigo waved off.

"Duh," Tatsuki echoed.

"Since when do you have a Lugia?" Chizuru demanded.

Urahara blinked from the back of, indeed, a Lugia, which was looking at them all with what looked like ferocious amusement. "Benihime and I have always been the best of friends…"

What next, Mew?

"Ah, Sosuke," Urahara sighed, "what a mess you've made…"

"Well you know how greedy humans are," Aizen sighed back, "and children can never do what's best for them…"

"How dare you," Chizuru glared.

"Which means we'll have to do this by force," Aizen lamented. "Is everyone ready?"

Yes, they were.

What followed as an Ultimate Showdown of such Ultimate Destiny that those who failed to witness it would regret it for the rest of their lives. Captain Kuchiki showed up with his cavalry of troops, equaling the playing field, and Gandalf the Gray and Gandalf the White and _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_'s Black Knight and Benito Mussolini and the Blue Meanie and Cowboy Curtis and Jambi the Genie, Robocop, Terminator, Captain Kirk and Darth Vader, Lo Pan and Superman, every other Power Ranger, Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan, Spock, the Rock, Doc Ock, and Hulk Hogan. They all came out of nowhere lightning fast, and vanished into nowhere a split second later.

In the end, it came down to The Two.

Urahara and Aizen, even their legendaries lying exhausted behind them, faced each other in epic stoicism. They alone were able to do so, the good guys too tired from somehow defeating Aizen's army. They all knew Gandalf hadn't done anything.

Now it was just Aizen, who said, "There is only one way to settle this."

"Agreed," Urahara smirked dangerously. "But are you sure you want to go through with it?"

"Is this your way of backing out?"

"A duel between two chessmasters? Of course not! But to call on such power for _one kingdom_…"

"Are you afraid, Urahara Kisuke?"

"Of you?" Urahara smirked. "Never."

Both drew a single leather bag, fingering the drawstrings with wiggling fingers.

Ichigo tensed, wondering what sort of powerful magic would be unleashed. Pokémon, Duel Monsters, both had been employed fully today… It couldn't be.

The grand-daddy of all TCG.

_Magic: The Gathering._

"MARBLES!" Both declared, sitting down on either side of a circular tile and drawing from the bag.

"ARE YOU INSANE?" Chizuru screamed. "A GAME THAT ANCIENT COULD DESTROY THE WHOLE KINGDOM!"

Ichigo froze in horror, a game of Marbles between these two…

The Chessmasters ignored the protests, the air heavy with their auras. Even Nature seemed silenced beyond the new skylight.

The arena was set. The first marble was shot.

When the next made contact, lightning arced up from the force of collision, blinding in its raw power. Ichigo stared in shock at the face of it, Tatsuki gasping beside him.

Renji, who had shown up alongside the rest of Captain Kuchiki's division in a truly amazing entrance, was covering Rukia with a protective arm. She was too busy staring to notice.

As the game wore on, the very spirits of Hades circled to watch the Contest, the likes of which had not been seen since Godric Gryffindor went head to head with Salazar Slytherin. The power, the cunning, the sheer skill of these Dungeon Masters engulfed the palace if not the capital city, and it is said that on that day the very rivers paused to bear witness.

It was the Marbles Match of the Millenium.

Then, a crucial point came into dispute. The Heroic Urahara and the Aweful*1 Aizen raised their fists and palms, the tension mounting…

"**Rock."** The fists came down once, voices reverberating across all of Creation.

"**Paper."** Again flesh slapped flesh, waves of power generated through the air.

"**Scissors."** Both fists held their mighty forms of Rock.

"**Rock."** The fists came down once, voices reverberating across all of Creation.

"**Paper."** Again flesh slapped flesh, waves of power generated through the air.

"**Scissors."** Both fists held their mighty forms of Rock, again, proof of their cunning.

"**Rock."** The fists came down once, voices reverberating across all of Creation.

"**Paper."** Again flesh slapped flesh, waves of power generated through the air.

"**Scissors."** Both fists held their mighty forms of Paper.

"**Rock."** The fists came down once, voices reverberating across all of Creation.

"**Paper."** Again flesh slapped flesh, waves of power generated through the air.

"**Scissors."** Both fists held their mighty forms of Rock.

"**Rock."** The fists came down once, voices reverberating across all of Creation.

"**Paper."** Again flesh slapped flesh, waves of power generated through the air.

"**Scissors."** Both fists held their mighty forms of Scissors.

And so it went for ninety-nine rounds, and both tensed, knowing what would surely follow. Months had barely passed since a raccoon and bluejay had come to this, unleashed the Horror of the King…

But neither backed down.

"**Rock."** The fists came down once, and every eye was on them.

"**Paper."** Again hand hit hand, and the Universe itself seemed to rest on their call.

"**Scissors."** One fist held Rock. The other held Paper.

Urahara had been victorious.

The Marble Match of the Millenium continued.

Urahara was victorious, the force of his power coating the world in purple prose in a show of strength unmatched in this age, smirking.

"I win."

"So it seems," Aizen calmly assented.

Urahara then claimed all of Aizen's marbles.

"_**~!"**_

Aizen cried, as his form thinned, shrank… Imprisoned in The Holy Tree of Gainax Endings.

The cheers started out small, grew, escalated; it was over, this stupidly pointless contest and Xanatos Gambit of Aizen's was over, finished, caput, Aizen's army could be arrested, and now they just had to wake up Orihime.

"Urahara-san," Ichigo said on shaky feet.

"Yes, Kurosaki-san?"

"Inoue—"

"Is in a coma thanks to a Love Potion of Sosuke's," Urahara finished, picking up The Holy Tree of Gainax Endings. "I'll need to get this in a can."

"Uhh…"

"Right, right, regarding Inoue-san, the answer's obvious."

"It is?"

"It is. Plain as day."

"No it's not!"

Urahara's smile turned wicked. "Kurosaki-san, please do not tell me that you actually do not know how to reverse a Love Potion coma."

"How should I? My dad's the doctor, not me!"

Urahara looked around the room, so that Ichigo could see everyone, even Aizen's army, staring at him with incredulity. Even Ichimaru's eyes were open. "Chaste Heroes," he muttered, mainly to himself.

"On three, everybody," Tatsuki called. "One, two, three-"

A red crab appeared from nowhere with a bullhorn. "KISS DE GIRL!"

Why was there a cartoon crab with a bullhorn?

**End of chapter.**

_Here "aweful" referred to a much older meaning, "full of awe," or "awe-inspiring."_

_Anywoo, the Disclaimer: From the beginning, I do not own _Bleach_, _Pokemon_, _Yu-Gi-Oh!_, _World of Warcraft_, _Ultimate Showdown_, _Magic: The Gathering_, _Regular Show_, _Harry Potter_, _Dungeons and Dragons_, _Gainax_, _The Little Mermaid_, or _TV Tropes_. The supposed plot? Yeah, that was mine, and I am proud of my insanity. Thank you and please review!_

_~Ara._


	9. Kiss de Girl

_One last time: a__fter this, there is no way that I will ever own any rights to _Bleach_, its poor defenseless characters, or any merchandising rights whatsoever. Same for whatever obscure references I happen to make._

_**O**_rihime lay on her bed for the first time in a month, as if only sleeping, as if she could wake up at any second.

Ichigo really wished that she would.

If she would, if she _could_, he wouldn't have to… to…

"Do you guys have to be in here?" Ichigo asked Tatsuki, Rukia, Renji, Rangiku, Gin, Momo, Toshiro, Hanataro, Jinta, Ururu, Urahara, (worst of all) Yachiru, and the big man upon whose back she sat. Honestly, he wasn't sure how Kenpachi was fitting in here, never mind _all of them __**plus**__ Kenpachi_. It made no more sense than the cartoon crab giving him pointers on kissing, as if he'd never…

Okay, admittedly, he never _had_ kissed a girl.

But Orihime wasn't exactly any girl, and…

Wait, when had she gone from Inoue to Orihime?

Ichigo wracked his brains for an answer… He honestly didn't know.

"Hurry up, Ichigo," Tatsuki sniggered.

"Don't keep the princess waiting," Gin chided.

"Can we kill him?" Yachiru smiled.

"After he does something useful," Kenpachi told her.

"WHO SAID YOU GET TO DECIDE?"

"'Cuz I'm the one who saved your ass from the spoon guy," Kenpachi snorted.

"Language!" Momo protested.

"Merde, Kuzo, Sheize—"

"Not in different languages!" Momo cried.

"Those're for the wrong word, anyway," Gin informed him.

"Damn."

Ichigo, Hoya, and Hikarei seized the distraction and pushed the whole crowd out. They protested, so both dogs sat against the door. Ichigo smiled his thanks before turning back to the bed…

And his brain shorted out, yet again, at what he was about to do.

What he kinda had to do, if he wanted to see her awake, again.

With her smile.

And her laugh.

And her Kyoketsu no Shoge.

And her cute little way of—STOP THERE! SHE WOULDN'T LIKE YOU ANYWAY!

Ichigo bent down, for the first time realized how awkward they would be after this, and gulped audibly. At least she wasn't like Tatsuki, who would punch his nose off for something like this. He closed his eyes, made himself lean closer, opened his eyes back up because he couldn't see where she was, felt really creepy for doing this, clenched his fists, closed the distance…

Ichigo's lips brushed hers, and he awkwardly applied pressure. How were you supposed to do this anyway— Orihime squeaked in shock, which should not have been a turn-on dammit, and Ichigo backpedaled at Mach 3. But if his face had lit up like a bonfire…

Orihime's face was the Burning of Rome. "Ku-ku-ku… Kurosa-saki-k-kun?"

"I-ah-Chizuru-love potion-coma-I-uh…" Oh, God, this was humiliating and she was probably going to sic Hikarei on him…

"Magic coma needing a k-kiss to fix it?"

Ichigo stared in open shock, and barely managed to nod his head.

"Arigato, Kurosaki-kun," Orihime beamed, blush starting to go down.

"Ye-yeah…"

Awkward silence.

"So-so, uhm…" Change the subject, he had to change the subject! "Did you know Aizen was behind the whole thing?"

Orihime blinked, and looked a little sad for some reason. "Aizen-kun? Really?"

Yes, a subject change! "Yeah, he actually had this ridiculously long plan—"

"**OPEN THIS DOOR OR KAZEMARU'S BREAKING IT DOWN!"** Tatsuki bellowed.

"Waaaah! Don't break my door down!" Orihime cried. Hoya and Hikarei quickly moved, then went out the window to avoid the surge of people that followed. Tatsuki was first, and caught Orihime in a flying tackle/hug. Everybody else was quick to follow, and Ichigo soon found himself shoved right up against the bed.

"So you scare us half to death by conking out," Tatsuki began, "and in busts Aizen, all melodramatic and calling it 'such a pity'…"

"Actually, none of us heard him enter," Rukia conceded.

"And then he launches into this explanation of the most convoluted plot imaginable short of faking his own death, including feeding a year-old-Chizuru bad sauerkraut…"

Orihime gasped. "He deliberately turned her EVIL?"

"Yeah, but then it wore off just in time…"

"He may have actually planned that," Renji muttered, eyes wide with realization. Rukia rolled hers.

"And she starts taking him on with a _Jinx_ of all things."

"Huh?" Orihime frowned at that. "What other Pokémon would she have?"

"True. But…"

And so they all took turns—aka interrupted Tatsuki to get their five cents in—bringing Orihime up to speed with regards to the plot, the attacks on every bystanding Pokemon, the legendaries… the amazing battle, and she was sure that she'd regret missing it for the rest of her life. But…

"_MARBLES?_" Orihime exclaimed, torn between amazement and horror. "Tho-_those two_ played _marbles?_"

"And came one game of Rock Paper Scissors away from summoning the King," Rukia informed her, eyes dark.

"The-The Soul King?" Orihime exclaimed, wide eyes shooting toward Urahara.

"Now now, I won," Urahara smiled. "I'm sure that nothing so drastic as the summoning of _Him_ could have occurred…"

"Says the guy who has a Lugia," Ichigo muttered.

"And so Aizen's in a can of Holy Tree of Gainax Endings and should never, ever be able to escape…"

Orihime turned to her window, fully expecting someone to run in screaming about Aizen's escape.

"Guys guys guys!" Some guy—who looked like the love-child of Aizen and Chad— shot into the window, eyes wide, before exclaiming, "SOME GUY CALLED TSUKISHIMA'S BEEN DECLARED THE NEW VILLAIN!"

Everyone gasped in horror. Orihime joined the others in staring, wide-eyed, at the flame-haired child who looked absolutely frantic with worry and…

"Is it…" Rukia gulped, licked her lips…

"A filler villain?" Tatsuki-chan finished, fingers itching toward her sword.

"Worse," the new guy murmured, his friends appearing behind him. "The author's continuing the story."

Several people began screaming.

**End chapter.**

_On second thought, I figured I'd keep the story going. "Happily Ever After" isn't one of my favs, and realistically stories with characters like these two just wouldn't end that way. Writing Ichigo kissing Orihime was awkward enough on its own. Writing him in-character and declaring feelings for her… yeah, Kubo really did create the perfect asexual protagonist, second only to Luffy himself. In short, this is gonna take awhile._


End file.
